


Trans-Formers... I Wish

by JudeIsFanboyTrash



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Original Work, Unspecified Fandom, freeform - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, All over LGBT Spectrum, Burning, Coming Out, Cutting, Dysphoria spoken about, Eating Disorders, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, FTM, Literally my life story in a LGBT spotlight, Other, Past Abuse???, Pill popping, Scratching, Suicide Attempt, Talk about being raped/molested???, Transgender, Unsupportive family, hetalia helping me through depression, idk just watch out for anything, lots of depressing shit, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-08-28 22:23:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16731756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudeIsFanboyTrash/pseuds/JudeIsFanboyTrash
Summary: My life story as I'm a ftm (Female to Male Transgender Individual) I will have a few experiences to speak about... I hope you learn something or it helps you in some way... I'll have a few chapters I'm not sure how many. Also, a lot about Hetalia, because it still basically rules my life- since I write fanfiction for it.





	1. Chapter 1

Warning: This story will contain lots of misgendering with the improper pronouns in quotations like ‘this’. This story will contain actual and fictitious events and people. As most of the plotline is my life I own all characters and plot. There will be many mentions of dysphoria and confusion, as well as eventual mentions of self harm and thoughts of it (mainly cutting) and a suicide attempt as well as mental health issues and so on, I will make a specific mention before the chapter/ paragraph with each offense in it except dysphoria will be an almost constantly present thought. Now try to enjoy, I apologise in advance for any grammatical errors. I don’t write for a living and rarely as a hobby anymore. (too busy) Also I apologise for any major gaps in time it will take me to update because I have very little free time with all my classes.

Background: This story is about a transguy named J, J is based off of me, his birthname if used will be my birthname, and the pronouns she and her will be used in parenthesis like; ‘she’/’her’, correct pronouns for him like he/him/they/them will look like everyone else’s pronouns and warning they might be used interchangeably so pay attention while reading. This is based off of my own personal life so it might skip around a bit but bare with me, I’m trying to make it as much about my ftm story as I can. The reason I didn’t make up a new story first (which would’ve been much easier trust me) is because I felt the need to tell my story before I tell someone else’s. Now that I’ve rambled several time’s I’ll let you read the first chapter.

This is the story of a girl- well that’s how most see him. Truth is that ‘girl’ isn’t a girl. It’s just that no one will listen….

His story starts in a hospital just like everyone else’s, but we’re going to skip forward a little, let’s go with about three. When he turned three his mom and dad bought their little ‘girl’ a toy rover. One of those ones that’s like a monster truck met a space ship. ‘She’ had like playing basketball with ‘her’ dad so much. They thought, had begged for the truck. They decide to indulge ‘her’, it’s not like ‘she’ also hadn’t been begging to cut off ‘her’ hair. Eventually the parents grew tired of their 4th ‘daughter’ wanting to be such a ‘tomboy’. They started forcing ‘her’ into dresses and trying to make ‘her’ happy about them. ‘She’ started to go with it not wanting ‘her’ parents to be unhappy.

One day after church, ‘she’d’ been asking ‘her’ parents to cut parents to cut ‘her’ hair. ‘She’ didn’t know why ‘she’ didn’t like it, ‘she’ just didn’t. They refuted ‘her’ once again. When left to himself, he decided to take the safety scissors he had been left with and cout it to the shortest length he thought was possible. He didn’t like being called a girl simply because he wasn’t one, his hair now up at his chin should help people with their confusion. He thought that was the shortest you could cut it, simply because how else would you make it even? When completed his hair that had been down to the back of his knees was for the most part gone, he was so happy.

His parents came out of service to find him with half short hair and half long, they’d be finding hair left in the car up to 10 years later when the car was donated. Since they didn’t want their ‘daughter’ to have messed up hair, they cut it all to that length and kept it that way until years later, he was still unhappy and thought well I didn’t like it short so maybe I’ll like it long. While he still didn’t understand how uncomfortable with himself and the same for why people were being so weird about being a ‘girl’ or a ‘boy’ he just wanted to be himself. He let his hair start to grow, as soon as it was long enough he slung it back into a ponytail. He didn’t let it down for three years. 

Starting middle school he decided to actually try and be a girl, ‘she’ would be more confident if ‘she’ looked the part. ‘She’ tried letting ‘her’ hair down and wearing more ‘femme’ clothes but they made him uncomfortable. He always related more to boy characters and his friends gave him nicknames accordingly. In middle school his nicknames included Julius (Caesar), Tim/Timmy/Timothy, Masky (Creepypasta), Germany/Ludwig/Russia/Ivan/Spain/Antonio (Hetalia), Julio, and many, many more. As middle school continued and so his depression the more and more feminine he tried to act (though he didn’t realize it at the time) he made new friends that suffered some of the same mental issues he did, as well as were LGBT. While the two things were partially connected, his being lgbt and his mental status, just like his friends his problems extended far beyond that.

One of his friends, we’ll call her Lizard was really pretty, he wasn’t sure he’d ever found anyone so pretty in his life, so when she started talking to him he was very happy. She told him about shows she liked, Dr. Who, American Horror Story, and bands like Falling in Reverse and Black Veil Brides…. (Actually how I got into all of those things.) They would talk and one day he found out she got a girlfriend he was really happy for her while also feeling a bit sad for a reason he couldn’t pinpoint. He decided to tell his best friend for 4 years, Leah, and she told ‘her’ that ‘she’ had a crush on the girl, which was cool except for the fact we live in a small christian town. See normally there are Christians who are a big nicer, but when you live in an isolated town in the south… Well they get a bit more radical with their views, going as far to ‘her’ leaving ‘her’ church youth after all the other youths discussed burning gays like they did witches in Salem.

During ‘her’ 7th grade year, ‘she’ was getting more curious, ‘she’ came out as bisexual, and told ‘her’ friends that ‘she’ felt like ‘she’ could like anyone, a few months later that label became pansexual, as ‘she’ found out about more genders. Still it never occured to this poor young youth they could be a gender other than they were assigned at birth. They let their hair that now went down to the small of their back, be a curtain from the rest of the world. They started reading more and more books, they started cutting because it seemed to help their friends and they found it helped them too. They got a boyfriend who admittedly was gay, and said ‘she’ could be his beard because his parents would kill him if they found out he was gay. When they’d been dating for a month, he told ‘her’ he was very confused, he actually liked this ‘girl’ but he was gay. One month later ‘she’ broke up with him.

In 8th, ‘her’ best friend Leah, told ‘her’ she’d had a crush on ‘her’ on and off since 4th grade, two years of them being friends. Leah told J that she couldn’t date ‘her’ even if they both wanted to because J was a girl. J was confused, what did being a ‘girl’ have to do with anything, Leah said she was straight, if she’s straight then how’d she have a crush on a ‘girl’. J knew ‘her’ parents told ‘her’ ‘she’ was a girl but what does being a girl or boy have to do with anything. J got depressed. ‘She’ started to retreat, giving up on trying to fit in as a ‘girl’, ‘she’ didn’t understand so much and the teachers were hell, ‘she’ couldn’t wait to get out of there. On the last day of school they were playing truth or dare, J was asked and replied, “Truth.” ‘her’ ex-boyfriend asks ‘her’, “Is it true that you have a crush on Leah?” ‘She’ stopped only for a second, as ‘she’d’ been thinking about it a lot ‘herself’ lately. “No.” ‘she’ never heard from Leah again.


	2. Depression- And other 'Fun' Stuff ~^~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um- Yeah, this chapter describes everything I talk about in detail, when it comes to gender and hetalia- it doesn't go into much detail in more desturbing topics but it's depressing so be warned- I'm working on getting to the happier part but J's life is kind of a lot of shit with happy sprinkled in- so here's the next Part.

TW: Basically this whole chapter is going to be talking about self harm in the forms of cutting and scratching and alternative cigarette burning, as well as a suicide attempt by pills and alcohol, this is the chapter about shit getting worse before it gets better and if I bring up any of my mental health problems they have been diagnosed by a professional- I am not a fan of serious self diagnosis. (Also a mention of FICTIONAL incest, as Hetalia has a lot of those and J liked some of them- I do NOT condone anyform of real incest, and only fictional in some cases as it’s a bit different with the nations- if I slip into first person POV in this it’s because this IS about my life, all events are real and proper authorities have now been informed of everthying and more in this)

Try to enjoy the chapter… if not just I don’t know feel good about not going through this or not being alone.

This leads to a lot of depression ‘she’ had been fighting taking over. You see there were cuts down his arms, shallow scratches not even reaching through the first layer of skin. He liked to see the blood come out and cover a little of the arms that weren’t masculine enough for him, to get over the fact his best friend wouldn’t speak to him. He wanted to go into a coma and never wake up- even more than he had on his 14th birthday.

On his 14th birthday, J had been left alone at home- he wanted some of the pain to go away and had been taking hydrocodone for his back for about a year now. They took some pills from a bunch of different containers- old antidepressants of their older sister’s, hydro and oxycodone- about 20 pills with about 3 or 4 from each bottle. He took them that way figuring his parents wouldn’t notice as easily that way. He washed them down with a shot of Kahlua, a quarter cup peppermint schnapps, a half cup cherry rum, some strawberry banana vodka that tasted like floor cleaner and some mudslide- when they went for the fireball, he found out his dad drank it all.

He texted Leah what he had done, as it was in February when she still spoke to her ‘girl’ crush and friend, she threatened to call 911 but didn’t know the address to send them to. He cut 14 little deeper lines than normal on their arm and soon fell asleep never getting high or buzzed, it was 3pm, when he woke up at noon the next day on the couch his parents were mad at him for preventing them from using the living room. They never noticed what had happened, even when they knew their ‘daughter’ had insomnia and never sleeps as long as they had witnessed ‘her’ do so that day and the day before.

Leah wanted him to start watching this really weird anime, each episode was only 5 minutes long and it was based off a webcomic instead of a full sized manga. It was called Hetalia, he started watching it in 8th grade a year after she had started bugging them to watch it. Part of the reason J decided to watch it was because Leah couldn’t decide which character J reminded her of the most Leah named J three main characters in the order ‘she’ reminded Leah of from most like to least, 1. Ludwig/Germany as when they met and even mostly then, J was very uptight and stoic only caving on certain things for the ones ‘she’ cared about most. Number 2 was Ivan/Russia, J’s childish and playful yet sometimes cruel side came out in this character also mentioning that the loneliness was quite accurate. The third was the biggest surprise, Antonio/Spain- A character much different from the other two, represented J’s touchy feely side, childish in a way that wanted to help everyone and have fun, a happy nation, who had once been a powerful and terrifying nation. That was the original three components that made up this person.

J soon realized that those three he’d been recognized as had big drinking habits, and asked his friends about it with most of them answering,

“Well I’d honestly be more surprised if you didn’t become an alcoholic later in life.”

He hoped to prove them wrong. Skipping time back to the summer after 8th grade, his parents sat down and had a talk with him, 

“Honey,” mom asked, “Do you think you’re a boy?” that part came from my dad.

J was quiet for a minute, “Do you?” Mom asked again.

J spoke, “I’ve never thought about it before, I honestly don’t know.”

Both parents breathed a sigh of relief, “If you don’t think so now you probably won’t ever.” this came from the dad.

J frowned, “Why did you ask?” 

“We just wondered.” parents evading questions…. Typical.

J went to their grandma’s house- we’ll call his grandma T. and he stayed with their cousin, H. H lived at T’s house. He went on youtube and started looking up what it meant for a female to think they were a boy, pinterest showed them things like Bi-gender, and demiboy and told him it was okay to be confused and so… liking the attention he got from sometimes looking feminine he declared to his friends and self he was bigender.

When he wasn’t looking up stuff about non-binary people like him he was watching Hetalia, as the fast and random storyline kept his mind busy and away from the ever present condition- At this point he was still asking his parents if he could go to therapy. They didn’t know about the self harm he never hid from them but never mentioned either, they didn’t know about him almost killing himself, never even making a suicide note. 

He finished the episodes quickly, there being more than 100 five minute episodes, and soon moved on to reading and writing fanfiction, he was a major shipper and while they had many OTPs (Only True Pairing-s) he shipped a lot of alternative and side ships- even falling onto the quite strange and controversial incest ships, Germancest and Itacest being his favorite alts to the Gerita and Spamano Ships, that are giant in the fandom.) He, even though he doesn’t feel attraction for others he enjoys writing for the fandom, and most of his stories include smut- sometimes it makes him feel like an outsider even in his own sexuality but he gets over it.

He would read fics where Romano had trouble with self-harming to feel less alone and keep himself from doing the same. Later one night he woke up and grabbed a piece of wood from an old pencil and burned the tip like incense and put it out on his arm. It gave him an amazing rush- different from the one cutting did, now he had to deal with wanting to do both of those things. 

One day, J was once again on youtube and found a channel called kovuisaunicorn and it had maybe 15 thousand subscribers at the time. There was a video called 100 ways to come out...almost. It’s how J found the channel, when they started watching the videos he thought Kovu was a young cis guy, then he started watching more videos and found out he was transgender, the more and more videos he watched of Kovu the more J realized he related to this boy, a transboy. It was a weird realization, he found a channel with a genderqueer person named Ash, who hadn’t known they were genderqueer yet and he uses all pronouns, I thought she was really cute and cool. 

They taught their a viewers bunch of stuff about all sorts of parts of the LGBT community and I was learning a lot, I came to the realization I wasn’t bigender and pansexual- I was ftm (female to male) trangender, a transguy and asexual. J was confused though, he doesn’t get a normal crush- he’s aromantic, and he also likes using he and they pronouns, he likes using they almost as much if not the same amount as he. He realized that he did have sensual attraction, where he still wants to cuddle and kiss people- of anygender or sex and that he is pansensual because of that, but not many people know what that means, so usually he’ll just say he’s aroace and when he wants to kiss and cuddle someone and has a sensual crush on them (that comes for them with weird feelings that are a middle ground where it’s more than platonic attraction, and can get jealous over that crush, but isn’t a romantic crush either, because J doesn’t have that urge to date them or when dating someone act like they are other than those physical acts and acting like friends otherwise.)

Wow, J has a complicated sexual/romantic identity right? Well at least he more simple when it comes to gender, just a transguy right? Well J’s pronouns are he/him/they/them and he has gender dysphoria of the social kind and the kind that makes looking at their body hard most- if not everyday. But on top of that, he is constantly questioning if he is actually trans. You see- due to his crippling persistant-major depressive disorder with mixed feautures (bipolar II with constant and varying levels of depression, and some bouts of hypomania, mild mania, and full mania with shorter episodes, lasts days instead of weeks) sometimes other parts of his mental health make it impossible to believe anything is real- better yet this one thing about his body.

But we’ll talk more about that later.


End file.
